The Calf and The Four Year Old
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Sad news there was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in..... and, well, you know the rest.
The Two Horses
Jon bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
The Horse For Sale
An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbour's lawn; "Horse for Sale". Curious, he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his neighbour's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine-looking stallion.
"Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale." Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."
"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why-ever would you sell him?"
"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore."
The old farmer, convinced that his neighbour has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall. "That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer.
He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbour a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.
"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!' "
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a piñata?
Bob received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Bob tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bob put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and cursing -- and then suddenly there was quiet. Bob was afraid he had actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bob's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." Bob was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a drastic change when the parrot said: "Sir, may I ask what the chicken did?"
A Few Last Drops
The local bar patrons were so sure that their bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to the bet taker. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the lemon, would win the money.
Many people had tried over time, (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick eyeglasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the scrawny little man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The little man replied, "No, I just work for the IRS."
Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.
Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?
The Dangerous Dog
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Why Did You Have To Die?
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."
Seeing Eye Chihuahua...??
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
The Costume Party
A male blonde went to his friend's costume party with nothing but a young woman on his back.
"What the heck are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong, my friend," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle". (Me shell)
The Construction Workers
There are three guys, a redhead a brunette and a blonde, working 20 stories up on steel girders. Come lunch time, they all sit together.
The redhead looks at the other two and says, "Fifteen years, fifteen years I have been working on top of these buildings. Everyday it is the same - tunafish sandwiches. If it is tunafish again today, that is it! I'm over!" He opens up his lunchkit, sees that it is tunafish and jumps.
The brunette looks at the blonde and says, "Twenty years, twenty years I have been working on top of these buildings. Everyday it is the same - baloney sandwiches. If it is baloney again today, that is it! I'm over!" He opens up his lunchkit, sees that it is baloney and jumps.
The blonde looks around and says, "Twenty-five years, twenty-five years I have been working on top of these buildings. Everyday it is the same - peanutbutter sandwiches. If it is peanutbutter again to day, that is it! I'm over!" He opens up his lunchkit, sees that it is peanutbutter and jumps.
A few days later the three widows are gathered at the funeral.
The redhead's widow is crying and saying, "If I had know that he didn't like tunafish, I never would have made him tunafish."
The brunette's widow is crying and saying, "If I had know that he didn't like baloney, I never would have made him baloney."
The blonde's widow is crying and saying, "I don't understand, he made his own lunch."
Engineers vs. Accountants
Three engineers & three accountants needed to go on a train. The three accountants purchased their tickets, and watched as the three engineers bought just one.
"How can you get away with that??!" the accountants asked. "Just watch..." said the engineers. They all boarded the train, but the three engineers all hid themselves in the rest room. The engineer on the way by knocked on the door, "Tickets... Tickets please!" A hand comes out of the door and hands out the ticket.
On the trip home, the accountants bought just one ticket, and watched as the engineers bought none at all. "How in the world are you gonna get away with that??" the accountants asked? "Just watch. Just watch..." was the reply. The accountants got on & all got in the same restroom. The three engineers got in a restroom just across the aisle. Soon one engineer left the restroom and knocked on the other restroom door... "Tickets... Tickets, please!"
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
The Old Man
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look, "she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
After Ludwig Beethoven had died, a loyal friend went to Beethoven's grave to pay his respects. As he neared the grave, a stange sound became audible to his ears: one long note followed by three short ones. As he drew nearer to the grave, the sound became louder and was obviously permeating from the tomb. Beethoven's friend became quite frazzled by this and ran out of the graveyard and back into town to tell the townsfolk.
Beethoven's friend gathered together a small group of Beethoven's admirerers and critics to return to the gravesite to listen to the strange sound. As the group began to approach the gravesite, the eerie sound again became audible and grew louder as they approached Beethoven's grave: one long note followed by three short notes. The small group became quite frightened and huddled against each other prepared to see the ghost of Beethoven rise in wrath from the grave.
Then, one of the members of the group, a reknown music critic and an avid follower of Beethoven's compositions, gasped and said, "It's okay. I know what that sound is. It's . . . .
. . . . the beginning of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony backwards. Beethoven is "DECOMPOSING"."
An account exec drove his two young staff to work late one weekend for an important company project. A genie appeared and granted each one wish.
The first asked to be on a yacht in Hawaii and poof he was gone. The second wished to be transported to a Florida beach and poof she was away.
The account exec thought briefly about his wish and then said, "I want those two lazy staff back here, right now!"
How do you make Holy Water?
Boil the hell out of it.
Why send your financial statements to a CPA?
Because they come back Clean, Pressed, and Altered.
He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
A rich man aspired to take his 3 million to the grave. He asked his priest, doctor, and attorney to each hold 1 million until his death and to then put the money in his coffin. In due time, the old man passed away and each of the three men stopped by the coffin to pay their respects.
Afterwards, the priest confessed that he had kept the money for the church orphanage.
Then the doctor admitted that he too had misdirected the money to the local children's hospital.
The attorney was outraged at their breach of trust; for he had slipped a check in the coffin for the full amount.
A Grisly Joke
A grisly bear surprised hunters sitting by a campfire. When one hunter ran away, the other shouted that you can't outrun a grisly bear. The running hunter replied that he didn't have to outrun the bear, he only had to outrun the other hunter.
The Snail Joke
After the two turtles collided, the policeman asked the snail what he saw.
The snail said, "I don't know officer. It all happened so fast."
Did you hear about the fellow from Los Angeles who passed out on a cruise ship?
They had to hold him over the exhaust to revive him.
Truth, Lies & Outhouses
The impish girl turned on the tractor and pushed the outhouse into the creek. Later, her father told her the story of George Washington chopping down his father's cherry tree but wasn't spanked because he had told the truth.
The girl proudly announced, "I cannot tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the creek."
He told her to bend over and the shocked child protested that George Washington had not been punished.
The father replied, "Well, George's father wasn't IN the cherry tree when it got chopped down!"