Masonic Humor

While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother's wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining.    I asked in what way?    She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book.    Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on.    Oh fine was his reply.    I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong.    No, was his reply.    So why read the book there?    Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....

Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't the way they USED to screw in light bulbs.

Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb? A. After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:    2 to complain that the light doesn't work.    1 to pass the problem to either another committee, the Temple Board or the Master of the Lodge.    3 to do a study on light in the Lodge.    2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.    3 to argue about it.    5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.    2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."    1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.    1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot."

Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost.    A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft.    The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again.    One turned to the other and said, " I bet he's the Secretary of his Lodge!"    "Why do you say that?", the other asked.    "Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.    "OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."    "I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."    "OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"    "Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"

-- Found on a cup in a Lodge in Ireland: "OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY

A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as it was no great distance he would go on his bicycle.    Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge.    Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honor, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.

THE MASONIC LODGE STRUCTURE: Worshipful Master Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives policy to God Senior Warden Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on water if the sea is calm Talks with God. Junior Warden Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable wind Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB Walks on water of an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if special request is approved. Senior Deacon Barely clears a quonset hut Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occasionally addressed by God. Junior Deacon Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap tall buildings Is run over by locomotive Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Dog paddles Talks to animals. Senior Steward Runs into buildings Recognizes locomotive two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with life preserver Talks to walls. Junior Steward Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building Says, "Look at the choo-choo" Wets himself with water pistol Plays in mud puddles Mumbles to himself. Secretary Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks locomotives off the tracks Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them Freezes water with a single glance HE IS GOD! (SO MOTE IT BE)