One Liners

If Clinton's lips are moving, he's lying.

My mother was the travel agent for my guilt trips.

The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up!

War is God's way of teaching us geography

!@#$%^&* the most widely used computer term worldwide.

"A committee is twelve men doing the work of one." -- John F. Kennedy

"A day without laughter is a day wasted." Charlie Chaplin

"At last I'm organized," he sighed, and died.

"Extreme remedies are appropriate for extreme diseases." -- Hippocrates

"For example" ........Is NOT PROOF!

"Grey poupon"? Nah ya got BIRD poupon your window!

"Honest is the first chapter of the book of wisdom." -- Thomas Jefferson

"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom." --Thomas Jefferson

"I'd like to grow very old as slowly as possible." -- Irene Mayer Selznick

"I'm a lawyer." "Honest?" "No, the usual kind."

"If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog." -- Harry S. Truman

"Kissing is the glory of the human species." -- Tom Robbins

"Life is a lemon and I want my money back!"

"Little men don't have time, big men FIND time."

"Man is Dog's idea of what God should be." Holb. Jackson

"Some people are wise, other people are otherwise"

"User" - a technical term used by computer pros. See idiot.

"Virtue is not hereditary." -- Thomas Paine

"When in doubt, tell the truth." M. Twain

"When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them." -- Confucius

"Why Johnny can't read"- Now available on VHS

"Why care for grammar as long as we are good?" A.Ward

"You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm." -- Colette

"You're not a realist unless you believe in miracles." -- Anwar Sadat

"trust your mother, but cut the cards"

*I* didn't do it, the *computer* did it!

... Do Sexy electrons have Current Affairs?

1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation

2 wrongs don't make a right - but 3 lefts do!

3 boxes keep us free: Ballot, Jury, and Ammo.

4 out of 5 doctors agree: 1 out of 5 is an idiot

5 billion years the earth takes to form, and we get THIS?!

5 min on Fri afternoon is longer than a weekend

54% of all statistics are made up. No, make that 82%.

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at!

A FOOL And His MONEY Are ASKED To Go Everywhere ....Somebody Has To Pay!

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.

A big enough hammer fixes anything

A bird in the hand's better than one overhead

A book, a friend, a song, a glass, a chaste loving lass.

A budget is a family's attempt to live below its yearnings.

A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A clean disk is the sign of a sick computer

A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.

A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory...

A clown without a job is nobody's fool.

A contented man is always rich.

A cynic smells the flowers and looks for the casket.

A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing...

A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering everywhere

A fool and his money is my kind of customer

A fool and his money were never too close to begin with.

A fool and his money . . . Hey! Where's my wallet?

A fool searches for a greater fool to find admiration.

A friend in need, is a real pain in the butt.

A girl a day keeps the wife away.

A good angle to approach any problem is the try-angle.

A good catchword can obscure analysis for fifty years.

A good scare is better than good advice.

A grudge is too heavy to carry.

A hangover the wrath of grapes

A hard drive is not a long auto trip

A liberal's generosity is only limited by your income

A little humility will loosen a binding halo.

A little late is sometimes worse than never.

A low yield atomic bomb is like being a bit pregnant.

A mighty oak is the result of a nut that held its ground.

A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.

A mistake is proof that someone tried anyhow.

A mistress is about halfway between a Mr. and a mattress?

A penny saved is taxable at 100%

A penny saved is a Congressional error

A politician don't steal elections. He pays for 'em!

A programmer's work is never done. <Sigh!>

A provable god is not God. --ZP

A rooster clucks defiance. I understand: I'm a lawyer.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago

A simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

A single fact can spoil a good argument

A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

A unisex society will eventually cease to exist!

A wise man once said.....I don't know.

ACLU - American Criminals Lobbyist Union

ADVENTURE: The land between entertainment and panic.

ALIMONY: Corruption of Middle English "Ale ye money"

ASCII stupid question.... Get a stupid ANSI.

Absolute statements are false.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Accuracy is a duty and not a virtue.

Actually, I'm only 21 years old -- Celsius!

After dinner, he said "your modem or mine"

After forty, life is just a physical maintenance job.

After the eighth day God said... OK MURPHY, you take over. :-)

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Age is never a bar to human immaturity.

Ah know what a bagel is, but what kind of dog is a lox?

Ah yes, but did you read the REALLY fine print

Air bags...Inflation we can live with!

Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows.

Alimony: Bounty after the mutiny.

All have photographic memories. But some ran out of film

All life is six to five against. -Damon Runyon

All people smile in the same language.

All warranties expire upon payment of this invoice.

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

Always do right: Gratify some and astonish the rest.

Always forgive your enemies. THEY HATE THAT!

Always remember that you are unique...just like everyone else.

America has no native criminal class, except congress. Mark Twain

An Egyptian King passing gas is a toot uncommon.

An armed man is a citizen, an unarmed man is a slave!

An armed society is a polite society!

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

An inch of dog is better than a mile of pedigree.

An optimist is someone without experience.

An optimist is a person without much experience...

An ounce of pretension's worth a pound of manure...

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction

Anger is a wind which blows out the lamp of reason.

Annoy a fanatic: Present him with facts.

Another smooth escape disguised as a dramatic exit.

Any fool can criticize, complain and condemn --and they usually do!"

Anyone can walk on water, just know where the rocks are.

Anyone who can't wait a week for a gun shouldn't own one.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key

Archaeologist: one whose career lies in ruins

Are you running Windows or is that just an XT

Arguments with brick walls are rarely productive.

Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere.

Arthritis: twinges in the hinges

Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Assumption is the mother of all screwups

At an age where wild oats have turned to shredded wheat

At least those who drink know what to blame everything on

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Atheists Have No Invisible Means of Support.

Avoid Tunnel Vision Wear Blindfold In Tunnel

B.Gates : quality software ::R.McDonald : gourmet cuisine

BIGAMY: One spouse too many MONOGAMY: Same idea!

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.

Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!

Backup not found: (a)bort (r)etry (p)anic

Bacteria: The only culture some people have.

Be assured you have scored a point when your opponent ignores it." --ZP

Be brave. Even if you are not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

Be glad you don't get all the government you pay for!

Be silent; folks think you're stupid. Talk, and they know

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder....

Begin well, end badly; begin badly, end worse

Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.

Being paranoid doesn't mean they _aren't_ out to get you!

Better a diamond with a flaw than a perfect pebble.

Better is the enemy of good enough...

Better to be religious with your eloquence, than eloquent with your religion.

Big talk never compensates for small accomplishment.

Bigger isn't necessarily better - take a look at Windows!

Bigot: Someone winning an argument with a liberal

Bigots will not reason, fools cannot, slaves dare not.

Bill: I Did Not Cheat On My Wife! I Was Multitasking..

Birthdays are significant. Without them you're dead.

Bits make bites, but nibbles turn me on!

Black Holes were created when God divided by zero!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Blame San Andreas - its all his fault.

Blessed are the young who will inherit the National Debt

Blessed are the pessimists, for they have made backups..

Blessed be the pessimists for they hath backups

Born Free....TAXED TO DEATH!

Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.

Bunnies hopping backwards -- are they a receding hareline

Bureaucracy: That place always in need of a laxative.

But honey, I wouldn't be up as late on a faster machine

Buy great books even if you don't read them.

CA bumper sticker: Cover me, I'm changing lanes.

CLINTON - from the people who brought you Billy Beer!

CLINTON.SYS bad, cannot recover ECONOMY.USA

CON is the opposite of PRO - i.e. Congress and Progress

Can You Imagine Conning Eight Cats Into Pulling A Sled?

Can you get Modem Addictus from a CALL girl?

Capital punishment is for them as ain't got no capital.

Castrate - the hotel rate for actors.

Catastrophe: Award for the cat with the nicest buns

Cats, proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Cereal Killer Strikes Again! Cap'n Crunch found dead...

Chances are if your folks were celibate you will be too.

Change is inevitable -- except from a vending machine.

Character is much easier kept than recovered.

Chastity can be cured, if caught in time

Chastity is the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.

Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.

Chirpes: n, A canarial disease, no tweetment.

Chocoholic: Blood type M&M positive...

Choosey cats prefer Microsoft mice, 10 to 1!!

Clearly, the information superhighway is a toll road.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

Clinton Cruise Lines - Taking America for a Ride!

Clinton's Disease: Acquired Truth Deficiency Disorder.

Clinton: Full of promises that go in one year & out other.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage w/ sugar and mayo.

Comming in 2nd means you won first prize at losing!

Committee (n) - A creature with 12 stomachs and no brain.

Committee: A lifeform with 12 legs and no brain.

Committees keep minutes and lose hours.

Common sense is not so common. --Voltaire

Compatible: Blows up a little later than Incompatible

Complement three people every day.

Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.

Computer lie #1: You will never use all the disk space

Computers all WAIT at the same Speed!

Computers are like sex --- Your wife decides WHEN !!

Computers eliminate spare time

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes

Computers run on smoke -- if it leaks out, computers broken

Conclusion": the place where you got tired of thinking.

Conference management is like trying to herd cats.

Confidence is important; the computer can sense fear.

Confusion is the only true road to understanding.

Consultant: Computer knucklehead with business cards

Couldn't double recipe, oven won't reach 700øF!

Crime is politics minus the excuses.

Crime wouldn't pay, if the Government ran it.

Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs... God, I love Congress.

Curiosity never killed anything but a couple hours!

Curved Universe Theory: What goes around comes around.

Cut my pizza in six slices, please; I can't eat eight.

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - the fault is with reality

DON'T play STUPID with me...I'm BETTER at it!!

DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename"...

DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on _Something_...

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk

Damn the documentation -- Full speed ahead!!

Dangerous Exercise - jumping to conclusions.

Dear Abby: What diet is best for my FAT file?

Death & Taxes....at least death doesn't get any worse!

Death and taxes may be inevitable, but death at least doesn't get any worse.

Democracy: Your vote counts. Feudalism: Your count votes.

Desk: A large wastebasket with drawers

Desk: A very large wastebasket with drawers

Despite the cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Diet: To lose all that FAT, type Format C:

Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.

Dinner will be ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way.

Disaster is the only thing I can depend on....

Discoveries are made by not following instructions,

Discoveries are made by NOT following instructions

Disk Failure: (C)old boot; (W)arm boot; (S)teel-toed boot

Dissent: Democracy in action; an act hated by liberals

Do I straddle the fence on issues? Well, yes and no ...

Do NOT look into laser with remaining eyeball!

Do Not Attempt to Traverse a Chasm in Two Leaps

Do agnostics engage in idol speculation?

Do invisible cats drink evaporated milk?

Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for one day

Do not believe in miracles... rely on them.

Do you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?

Doctrine is the skin of truth set up and stuffed.

Does "Bad FAT" mean disk has high cholesterol?

Does Stevie Wonder what Brooke Shields? <G>

Does The Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines

Dogs crawl under gates, software under Windows.

Don rally two muck on yore spoil chequer.

Don't accept shampoo. Demand REAL poo!

Don't assume malice when stupidity will explain it.

Don't bother pressing that key --- there is no escape!

Don't bother pushing that key. There is no Esc.

Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

Don't fall in love, it will stick to your face. -Anon poet

Don't let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you.

Don't let school interfere with your education.

Don't overtax yourself; that's the Government's job.

Don't play stupid with me, I have more experience...

Don't question authority, it doesn't know either.

Don't steal - the government hates competition.

Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.

Don't try to jerk my chain - it's not connected!

Don't wait for others to be friendly, show them how.

Don't waste time learning the "tricks of the trade." Instead, learn the trade

Doubt is the root of education, not faith.

Drink till she's cute. Stop before you marry her.

Drive inexpensive cars, but own the best house you can afford.

Drummer wanted: Dead Beats need not apply

Duct tape, not The Force, holds the universe together.

Dumb Questions are better than smart mistakes!

Dumb luck beats sound planning every time. Trust me.

Dyslexia: it can warn without striking!

EXTRA CREDIT: Define the universe. Give three examples.

Earth is 98% full, please delete some bodies.

Eat more frog legs....Get a jump on the world!

Editing is a rewording activity.

Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.

Eliminate Prosperity: Vote Democratic

End welfare, start with Congress first.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

Entirely too many meetings start at 7:30 sharp and end at 10:30 dull.

Entomology: I fear no weevil.

Error 99: Dead mouse in hard drive.

Error reading FAT table...Try Skinny one? (Y/N) þ

Even a blind dog can find a fire hydrant on occasion.

Even if you KNOW you aren't real, BELIEVE in yourself !!

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?

Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.

Every action has an equal and opposite government program

Every human being comes equipped with a brain at no extra cost.

Every man desires to live long, but none would be old.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Every time history repeats itself, the price goes up

Everybody is ignorant, but about different things

Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

Everyone says we're a nation of skeptics, I don't believe that!

Excommunicated: On vacation without a computer.

Experience is what you get after you need it!

Experience--What you get just after you need it!

Experience: What you get when you don't get what you want

Experience: what you get when you expected something else

Experience: the name given by people to their mistakes.

Expert: Someone who's made all the possible mistakes.

Explosion at sperm bank. Nurses overcome.

Exxon - Greasing the coastline for smoother boating!

F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!

Facts are simply barriers to the truth.

Failure is seldom fatal. Success is never final.

Failure is the chance to begin again more intelligently.

Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to.

Farfrompoopin = German word for constipation.

Feel lucky???? Update your software!

Feudalism: it's your Count that votesù

Fine - a tax for doing wrong. Tax - a fine for doing right.

Floppy not responding, Format HARD DRIVE instead? Y/N ?

For Sale: Hourglass to time WINDOWS

For access to pirate software hit <ctl><alt><del>

For every RIGHT & PRIVILEGE, there is RESPONSIBILITY!

For once I'm at a loss for words. Mark down the date!

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

For sale: Windows. Cheap. FREE crash helmet.

Forecast for tonight: Dark

Forget the Joneses!

Four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Microwavable!

Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.

Freedom has a thousand charms to show, that slaves, however content, will never know.

Freedom is a hard-bought thing - A gift no man can give.

Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.

Friendship takes time and tribulations to grow.

From the people who brought you EDLIN!

Fundamentalism means never having to open your mind.

Genius is perseverence in disguise.

Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice.

God gives the nuts, but He does not crack them.

God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends.

God heals, but always someone else wants a fee.

God is Pro-Choice - Isaiah 66:9, Deuteronomy 30:19.

God, give me patience, and give it to me NOW!

Godiva's out there doing *what*?

Good health is only the slowest form of death.

Government correpution is always reporterd in past tense.

Government is the only known enemy of intelligent life.

Grape Nuts? What do they do with the rest of the grape?

Gravity doesn't exist. The earth sucks.

Grow your own dope ... plant Republicans AND Democrats.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional

Gun control is being able to hit the target.

Gun control is a firm grip on a .44 magnum

Guns No More Cause Crime Than Flies Cause Garbage...!

HANGING: Bungee-Jumping before the bugs were worked out

HEY! I'm not a complete idiot - *some* parts are missing!

HUMANS - useful domestic animals. Popular with cats.

Had to fire Steve - he was mounting the tape drive again

Half of me is paranoid, the other half is out to get me.

Half truths are also big lies!

Happiness is knowing someone who read the docs. [1]

Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Hard luck: my wife left me, but her mother stayed!

Harleys: yesterday's technology at tomorrow's price

Has that file been saved? No, but we're praying for it.

Have you seen my mind? It's wandered off again. *sigh*

He cannot rule the great who cannot rule the small.

He died to take away your sins, not your mind.

He who dies with the most toys--is dead!

He who hesitates is trampled by the mob.

He who laughs last probably made a backup.

He who laughs last...had to have it explained.

He who overcomes himself is mighty.

He who slings mud looses ground.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Health: the slowest rate at which one can die.

Help me decide:Windows or Whore, 4 my $ which sucks more?

Here's to our wives and sweethearts -- may they never meet.

Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?

Hey kid..Wanna try a BBS? The first time is free!

High Speed Modems are Slow to Set up !!

Hindsight is an exact science ú

Historians answer questions they are never asked.

History is an illusion caused by the passage of time.

Honor thy error as hidden intention.

Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on people.

Hot water heaters: Hot water needs heating?

Houseplants have a good sense of humous.

How come pizza gets to your door faster than the police?

How do they get the deer to cross at the signs?

How do women get minks? Same way minks get minks.

How do you tame a vicious circle?

How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?

How many times do you need to be tolled anyway?

Human Error - It's all ***YOUR*** fault.

Humor is to life as shock absorbers are to automobiles.

Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse..

I *did* read the docs; that's why I'm confused!

I Can't Seem To Find Time To Procrastinate. Too busy!

I Don't do windows... I don't have the time!

I Hate Virus's, They Make Me Sick

I WAS born at night...But not LAST NIGHT!

I Wanna Be a Corporation: Representation Without Taxation

I am NOT a slob! I'm organizationally challenged.

I am NOT indecisive. Am I?

I am NOT loafing, I am doing research on inertia.

I am as confused as a termite in a yo-yo!

I brake for hallucinations.

I can resist everything except temptation. --Oscar Wilde

I can see clearly now, my brain is gone...

I can't decide whether to vacillate or not.

I can't use Windows. My cat ate my mouse.

I complained because I had no shoes - until I met a man who had no feet!

I didn't lose my mind - it's backed-up here somewhere!

I do not go & seek the inexperienced; he comes & seeks me

I don't do drugs - books are my escape from reality.

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.

I don't want the whole world, just your half.

I drove my Lexus to Infinity and now it's a Legend

I finally got it all together, but forgot where I put it

I got food poisoning today - Not sure when I'll use it!

I got lost in thought, it was unfamiliar territory

I had my head x-rayed today. Nothing there.

I have a 14,400 bps modem and 1.5bps fingers.

I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.

I have a speech impediment . . . my foot.

I have dynamic memory, it needs refreshing...

I have enough trouble single-tasking!

I have seen the evidence. I want DIFFERENT evidence!

I haven't lost my mind-=> it's backed up on floppies

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere!

I just bought a Cured Ham, I wonder what it had ??

I just bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had ...

I know it all. I just can't remember it all.

I know so little, but I know it fluently

I learn by mistakes. I'm getting a FABULOUS education.

I love BBSing: All the social dynamics of pre-school!

I love mankind, it's people I can't stand. - Linus V.

I love teachers. Do it wrong and they make you do it again!

I never liked you, and I always will

I only wish my mouth had a BACKSPACE key!

I opened Windows and a bunch of bugs flew in!

I parked my harddisk - and got a ticket

I passed my ethics course. I cheated, of course..

I passed my ethics course. I cheated, of course.

I support *MERIT PAY* for Politicians.

I sure wish Noah would have swatted those 2 mosquitos.

I th in k my Har d dis k is Fr agm ent ed ! !! !

I think I lost my mind. Please watch where you step.

I thought about being born again, but Mom refused.

I to±d yo±, "Never±touch ±he flo±py di±k su±face!"

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just. T

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I tried to drown my problems--but they can swim!

I tried to smoke some hash, but the corned beef wouldn't light!

I understand the answers, the questions throw me.

I used to have money in the bank ... now I have a BBS.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I was a dirty young man - I haven't changed.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

I wish I could get smart, soon enough, to do me some good!

I wish life had a scroll-back buffer.

I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!

I'd rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.

I'll have the turtle soup - and make it snappy!

I'm Not Politically Correct, And Damm Proud of It.....

I'm always sincere, whether I mean it or not.

I'm gonna live forever, even if it kills me.

I'm having an out of money experience.

I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

I'm leaving my body to science fiction...

I'm multilingual. I speak Eng., Fox, Basic, & Profanity

I'm not a Republican, I'm an Anti-Democrat!

I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.

I'm not an engineer but I obfuscate like one...

I'm not fat. I'm horizontally disadvantaged.

I'm not living in the past, just making payments on it.

I'm not nearly as think as you confusead I am.

I'm not young enough to know everything...almost though!

I'm so horney even the crack of Dawn isn't safe!

I'm too simple to have a complex. Guess I have a simplex.

I'm working on my 2nd $million... Gave up on the 1st.

I'm worse than a ham --- a ham can be curred!

I've always been crazy, but it keeps me sane.

I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

IBM stands for "Inferior But Marketable"

Ice not found, pour straight to continue.

Idealism precedes experience - cynicism follows...

If Clinton is the Answer, it Must have been a Stupid question!

If Hillary REALLY liked men, she would have married one.

If I had a memory manager I wouldn't need a computer.

If I learn by mistakes, I'm getting a FABULOUS education

If I've offended anyone, my efforts have been rewarded.

If a right angle is 90 degress, then what's a wrong angle?

If all the worlds a stage, Can I operate the trap door ?!

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look so astonished!

If cats and dogs can live together why can't men and women

If each mistake is a new one, you are making progress.

If it tastes good, it's trying to kill you.

If it's free, it's advice; if it's not, it's counseling.

If it's really tourist season, why can't we shoot

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

If life were logical, MEN would ride sidesaddle.

If life's a stage, I want better lighting.

If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If num(cooks) > max(cooks), broth = spoiled

If only I could remember half the things I know . . .

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help

If screwups were dollars, I'd be a millionaire!!

If she won't live forever, why give her a diamond ??

If skirts get any shorter they won't be allowed any longer.

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

If thine enemy offend thee, giveth his child a drum.

If voting changed anything they'd make it illegal.

If we were intended to talk more than we hear, we'd have two mouths and only one ear.

If you ain't got it then you ain't communicatin'.

If you don't have enemys, you don't have character.

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt

If you had one less chromosome, you'd be a Simpson!

If you knew it, when did you know you knew?

If you like public housing, you'll love public healthcare

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. --Unknown

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

If you think women aren't explosive, try dropping one!

If you use roadkill, do you call it chili con carnage?

If you wanna run with big dogs, lift your leg higher...

If you want to make enemys, try to change something

If you were any lazier, you'd slip into a coma.

If you're not part of the solution, forget it!

If you're thinking about it, back it up!

If you've a headache, take Sanhedrin.

If your mind can conceive it, and your heart can beleive it, you know you can achieve it.

If your mind goes blank, remember to turn off the sound.

If your ship doesn't come in...swim out to it....

Ignorance is curable... Stupidity is terminial.

Illiteracy effects 8 out of, like 5 peeple.

Illiterate? Write for free help.

Imagination is more important than knowlege. -Einstn

Imagination is more important than knowledge! - Einstein

In 1431, Joan of Arc quit smoking.

In a VERY weak moment, I started a BBS.

In the South, the past isn't dead. It isn't even past.-Flkn

Incontinence Hotline, please hold . . .

Indecision Clouds My Vision

Infinity: One lawyer waiting for another.

Insist on genuine plastic. Don't accept wooden imitations!

Instant gratification takes way too long!

Is Multi-Tasking - Reading in the Bathroom ?"

Is a file embarrassed when it is unzipped?

Is a m‚nage a trois considered multitasking?

Is the statement: "Stupid Liberal" redundant?

Isn't it odd that only sensible people agree with you?

It Is Easier To Get Older Than To Get Wiser.

It is easier to be critical than to be correct.

It is when laughter is not an option that pain will kill you.

It is widely acknowledged that Arthur Fiedler was a super conductor...

It said "insert disk #3" - but only two will fit...

It's a good day if you don't wake up at room temperature!

It's a man's world, until he gets home from the office.

It's hard to work in a group when you're omnipotent.

It's hard to tell people what they don't want to hear.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

It's not a free country, it's for sale.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

It's not if you win or lose but how you place the blame

It's the person who has done nothing who is sure that nothing can be done.

It's tough to be #1 if your friends treat you like #2.

It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.

It`s not the fall that hurts it`s the sudden stop.

Its too bad that stupidity isn't painful.

Jesus wasn't Hispanic? So how'd he get a Mexican name?

Jimi Hendrix's modem was a Purple Hayes

Junior, quit playing with your floppy!"

Junk--stuff we throw away. Stuff--junk we keep.

Junk: Stuff we throw away. Stuff: Junk we keep.

Just between you and me...and now everyone.

Just bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had?

Just got a new car for my wife... Great trade...

Just took an IQ test. It came back negative.

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME

KISS is never more applicable than in configuring computers...

Keep running, bees can only fly about 3 miles!

Kissing an ashtray is like liking a smoker...

LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware.

Lawyer: a cat who settles disputes between mice.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find my own way

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Liberal Rule #1: When in doubt, lie.

Liberal joke: funny. Conservative joke: racist bigotry.

Life Is a Sexually Transmitted, Terminal Disease

Life is full of undocumented features!

Life is indeed a rat-race - and the rats are winning.

Life is like a cow. You get out what you put in. But changed.

Life is like toilet paper; we panic as the end approaches.

Life is sexually transmitted and fatal.

Life is too short to learn Word Perfect.

Life's a FERRARI: it's expensive and goes too fast

Life's a beach, and then you dive.

Life's a bitch, but some of the puppies are cute.

Life: A fatal, sexually transmitted disease...

Life: A sexually transmitted condition with 100% fatality rate.

Line noise provided by Chesapeake & Potomac Telephone!

Listen to the rhythm of the failing bits...

Lottery (n), A tax on people who flunked math.

Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics

Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.

Love conquers all...until the money runs out

Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is all physics

Love thy neighbor, but not in public.

Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.

Luxuriantly hand-crafted of only the finest ASCII.

MacIntosh: Computer With Training Wheels You Can't Remove

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change...

Main Highway open while detour is being repaired

Make it idiot proof & someone will invent a better idiot!

Make love not war...Get married and do both

Make my day, kill a GUI today.

Make yourselves sheep, & the wolves will eat you

Man has his will, but woman has her way!

Man is ice to truth and fire to falsehood

Man is incomplete until he is married - then he is finished.

Many dogs have caught one skunk; very few, two.

Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no fun

Marriage: mourning after the knot before..........

Married.. Who me ? ... I can't mate in captivity !

Masons love to get fevers. That's when they receive their highest degrees.

Matrimony isn't a WORD, It's a SENTENCE!

May the Source be with you-Because I didn't back it up!

Maytag" is my middle name; I'm an agitator.

Me. . . a skeptic? I trust you can prove that. . .

Medicine-The art of amusing the ill while nature cures.

Memory is not so much unfaithful as selective.

Men wear their hair in three ways--parted, unparted, and departed.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Mice don't roll well when their balls are dirty.

Micro$oft Windoze, version 1523.045e, the Final Fix.

Middle Age: When knees buckle and belts won't!!

Mike's Vet and Taxidermy: Either way, you get your dog back.

Mind full of trivia. No room left for real knowledge.

Mind like a steel trap - rusted shut!

Minds, like parachutes, work only when open.

Misfortune: the kind of fortune that never misses.

Mistakes will occur, but must you give them so much help?

Modems are proof that people enjoy torturing themsevles

Mom taught us never grow old in your heart and mind.

Money can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of misery.

More people are run down by gossip than by automobiles.

Most smiles are started by another smile.

Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other motorcycles

Mugger: One who steals money without being elected.

Multitask: screw up several things at once!

Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.

Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, NO CARRIER

My HMO assigned me to Dr. Kevorkian.

My XT's not slow, it just takes it's time!

My boss is tempermental. 50% temper and 50% mental..

My computer has the dreaded "Not Enough Money" virus!

My cow died so I don't NEED your bull anymore.

My mind is like a blotter; soaks it up, gets it backwards!

My mother was the travel agent for my guilt trips.

My other brain is in the shop.

My short term memory has been gone a long time now.

My wife is married to a great guy!!

NASA: There's no such thing as a free launch.

NBC = Nonsense Between Commercials

NEVER engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent!

NOTHING: Often a good thing to do & a clever thing to say

Needed: Lawyer. Mine died when the ambulance backed up!

Network management is like trying to herd cats...

Neutrality pays when your wife and mother-in-law argue.

Never accept lemonade from a urologist.

Never agree with me, it shakes my self confidence.

Never ascribe to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity

Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen every day.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Never straddle a fence. Build one or tear it down.

Never trust anyone who speaks well of everyone.

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

New mail not found. Start whine-pout sequence? (Y/N)

New regulations means new jobs for new regulators!

News Flash: World ends at Ten. Film at eleven...

No I'm not coming to bed! I've got a brand new modem to use!

No amount of careful planning can ever replace dumb luck!

No one can take your Dignity, you give it up.

No one ever said that freedom was free.

No program is idiot-proof, idiots are ingenious!

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

No success in the world can compensate for failure in the home.

No, Not Tandy", John said realistically.

No, that chair isn't saved. But we're praying for it!

Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.

Nobody notices when things go right.

Not All Men are Fools, Some are Bachelors!

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Nothing is impossible...For the person who doesn't have to do it himself.

Nothing is so simple that it can't get screwed up.

Nothing lasts as long as an ugly necktie.

Nothing ventured... nothing gained... nothing taxed!!!

Nothing's more dangerous than a mind with a solitary idea

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

Now is the WIN.ter of our disc contents." Bill Gatespe

Nowadays, you're innocent until proven newsworthy.

O Lord, protect me from those to whom You speak directly.

OK, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to be eccentric.

OS/2, for those who can walk and chew gum simultaneously

Objects under T-Shirt are larger than they appear.

Of all I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Old Grammarians never die -- they fall into a comma.

Old musicians never die, they just decompose.

Old postmasters never die -- they just lose their zip.

On Earth as it is in San Francisco

On a clear disk you can seek forever

On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.

One B-2 bomber costs as much as 30,000 college educations.

One who is always in a stew generally goes to pot.

Only Tyrants and Criminals need fear an armed citizen.

Only a liberal could coin the phrase "undertaxed."

Only he attempting the absurd can achieve the impossible.

Oooh... Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper.....

Operator!....Trace this call and tell me where I am.

Optical mice have no balls.

Oral Contraceptive: I asked her, and she said no...

Organ donor: one who rides without a helmet...

Original discoveries, seem so obvious afterwards.

Originality is the art of concealing your source.

Otis elevator - good to the last drop.

Our policy is ALWAYS to blame the computer.

Over population? If wolves, no. If no wolves, yes.

Over the hill? Impossible -- I've never been on top!

Overweight just sort of snacks up on you.

Oxymorons... "postal service" and "tech support"!

Packwood sued by Apple for look and feel violation ...

Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

Paranoid: someone who just figured out what's going on.

Part-time musicians are semiconductors.

Patience is the ability to countdown before blasting off

Peanut prizes inspire monkey contestants.

People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.

People who think they know everything really annoy those of us who do."

Philistines demand David be tested for steroids.

Phillips Screwdriver: Milk of Magnesia and Vodka!

Piece de la resistance: She's hard to get next to!

Pilgrims may follow but there can only be one Columbus.

Please, God.....not *another* learning experience!

Poetry is what Milton first saw after he went blind.

Poetry isn't obscene, its per verse.

Polaroids: What a polar bear gets from sitting on ice.

Politeness: The most acceptable form of hypocrisy.

Political Correctness: Ignorance on the march.

Political correctness is for the differently brained.

Political promises: usually in one year, out the other

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Power doesn't corrupt people, people corrupt power.

Practice safe eating: use condiments.

Precinct toilet stolen; Cops have nothing to go on!

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Procrasinators Anonymous Meeting - Tomorrow

Prodigy at 9600 is tolerable, sort of like a BBS at 2400.

Prodigy: Limited minds running an unlimited system

Professionals are predictable - amateurs are DANGEROUS!

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Protect your bagels, put lox on them.

Psychic Convention cancelled due to unforeseen problems

Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.

Puritanism: suspicion that someone, somewhere is having fun

Purranoia: the fear that your cats are up to Something!

Purring....the sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Put on your seatbelt....I wanna try something.

Question authority--especially if you're paying for it.

Quick! Close your mind!! Something might get in.

REAL MEN DRIVE SOBER!!*

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives

Rainforest: a scarcity of animals; a plethora of tourists

Raising pet electric eels has lots of current popularity.

Random: deterministic in a way I can't determine.

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Reach the goal perfect peace; empty yourself of all things

Reaching high keeps a man on his toes.

Read the docs. Wow, what a radical concept!

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

Reality -- a fantasy gone wrong, TERRIBLY wrong

Reality is a constant intrusion on my dreams.

Reality is for people who can't handle Science Fiction.

Reality is simply inadequate.

Reality is the leading cause of stress.

Red ship crashes into blue ship ... sailors marooned.

Redundancy,the spice,the scent,the condiment of language.

Relax? If I were any more relaxed they'd read my will!

Remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?

Remember when safe sex was not getting caught in the act?

Remember, To turn down the sound if your mind goes blank